Nike and Government to Create New Shoe That Detects Steroid Use

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The United States government has called upon the shoe experts at Nike to prove to a jury that baseball superstar Barry Bonds used anabolic steroids. Has Nike created a new anti-doping shoe that detects steroid use when a doped athlete wears them? Well, not exactly. The federal government has subpoenaed a Nike employee to talk about Bonds’ feet. The employee has inside knowledge about the shoes that Bonds wore and is expected to testify that Bonds went from a smaller to a larger shoe size.

Why are Barry Bonds’ feet relevant? Is the government trying to win over a jury by hoping they have certain fetishes? Foot size? Testicle size? Head size? What else? Why not speculate about Bonds’ nipples too? Certainly, they could throw in that body part justifying it with the link between steroids and gynecomastia! Seriously, this type of testimony is about the best the government has to offer in the Barry Bonds steroids-perjury trial.

Perhaps the government  believes that the Nike employee is a steroid expert in possession of classified information linking steroid use to uncontrolled foot growth. This top secret steroid side effect is so rare and unusual that even the anti-steroid “education” experts specializing in steroid scare tactics have failed to include this little known side effect in their propaganda.

The government, desperate for a conviction, seems oblivious to the absurdity of their steroid witch-hunt against Barry Bonds.

Steroids in Baseball Experts at Nike

Photo credit: mariaguimarães / flickr

About Millard Baker